the most cliche lesson

I just got home from watching the movie D.U.F.F. and while I don’t usually like to watch the popular teen movies with a plot that I could read from the title I decided I’d watch it. It’s like a mini vacation from reality and it’s not difficult to understand because you know whats gonna happen from the moment it starts. 

Now I’m not going to say it was life changing or that I completely guessed it from the beginning but just in case you were wondering, yes, I guessed completely right. What can I say? I have a niche for that sorta thing!  But, I did walk away from it completely satisfied. 

I’ll go over a quick synopsis of it, but basically what happens is there is a girl named, Bianca and she's pretty, but not incredibly breathtaking with a normal person body and very little fashion sense, who realizes that she is a D.U.F.F. Which means: designated ugly fat friend. Her best friends are ultra pretty, model like, and get all the boys. So, Bianca sets out from some help from her neighbour, and oldest friend, who is also the hottest guy in school, (please tell me you know where I’m going with this). Her “friend” helps her find who she truly is and well, I’ll leave the rest to your imagination. 

The part that struck me about it was the fact that she deals with a lot of cyberbullying, and whether I like to admit it or not, I have too. It’s really hard to deal with especially at a time where you’re so emotionally effected by people, and your confidence can shatter in seconds by someones words. But, the thing that struck me about Bianca was her way about it all. She rose the occasion with grace and self respect. 

High school is difficult and honestly life after only gets more challenging. But, the thing about high school is you’re forced to sit, live and learn in the same space as the people who you can’t stand. I’m not going to go in to my high school experience but what I really wanted to say is be true to who you are. Find what you love and stick to it no matter what anyone else thinks. Loving what you love and being who you are is what you do best. No one can take your passion or talent away from you, the only person stopping you from letting who you are shine is you. And be your own best friend.

What does being your own best friend mean? Well, it means being your own best supporter. Tell yourself your beautiful and believe it. Let yourself eat that bag of chips and not regret it but, also try to give yourself the things it needs like vegetables, warm baths and lots of naps. Never stop pushing yourself to be better. These are all lessons I had to learn while I was struggling with finding out who I really was and truth be told sometimes I lose site of who I want to be. But, guess what! THATS OKAY! I’m allowed to cry in to my pillow and sing Fix You by Coldplay in the dark because thats what makes me feel myself again. 

So, on that note even if you're not the prettiest or the smartest, if you're not the most fashionable or the fittest love yourself. Because you owe that to yourself. It's sounds sickeningly cliche but, I can't express how true it is. Allow yourself to screw up and make mistake because you're human gosh darn it. Be you because thats the best you that you can be.

my first boyfriend... the adventure continues

Today I finally got my ass in gear and went for a run in the park and decided to take a picture! It was nice and cool and perfect for a run. Finally getting in the groove of things and it feels so great to do my own thing again! Now to continue with my dating history...

The next guy who really made things in my world change was probably the quietest, most adorable guy I’ve ever met. I met him when he was doing a class project with my two best friends in grade 10 history. I chilled with them while they worked and ended up thinking he was really cute. I liked how quiet and shy he was. We started seeing each other with friends at the skating rink and around school. Eventually he built up the courage to ask me out. We went to a movie, which my mom dropped me off at. He was cute but a bit awkward which at the time I didn't mind, I was happy to be hanging out with a boy. We went a couple more dates and he eventually became my first boyfriend. But three weeks later I decided to end it. I didn’t feel ready for a relationship. He seemed really invested which I wasn’t. He really really liked me and I wasn't ready for all that came with being in a relationship. I broke up with him over the phone (poor guy). 

Skipping 3 years later, I was his first real kiss and make out, go me! So yes, that means we never kissed while we were dating haha, sounds so weird now thinking about it. He didn't date anyone or see any one within that time. He had remain completely single from grade 10 until halloween night of 2014. That was the last time I ever hooked up with him. I think kissing him that night was a huge mistake because I feel like it might have given him false hope. It probably came off like it meant something and I really regret doing it because I didn’t want to hurt him again. 

Now looking back at that whole 3 week relationship it shows so much about who I am. I didn’t like how quiet he was. All I remember about our conversations is that I was the one who was carrying them. I asked most of the questions and I need someone who is more open. I like when people just tell me a lot about themselves without me having to ask every single question. I don’t know about you but, a guy who can make a good conversation really makes him more attractive to me. 

He also seemed really available which sounds really bad but, what I mean by it is that is, he seemed like he didn’t have much of a life outside of me. Like he’d drop everything to hang out with me and while thats sweet, it’s nice to see him have his own priorities. I love my time with my girls so I like when guys love time with their guys. I don’t want to be attached at the hip or feel like I’m your only friend. If it comes off harsh, I’m sorry but it’s so true. We should both have our lives apart and together.

life is crazy and so is love...

As an 18 year old who has dated a few guys but has never actually been in a relationship I have a lot to say about love and relationships. Mostly, because I have no idea what love really is and I also think my opinion on love actually matters. There have been many times where I really thought I was in love. But then I realized that I really have no clue what its like. See I'm a passionate little Portuguese girl with a lot of love to give. And guys at my age are looking for a girl to bang and forget about. And I don't want to be the kind of girl that a guy forgets about. I want to be the girl they wish they could have. So with that all being said, I have a lot of interesting stories on my dating history.

I have plenty of flaws when it comes to approaching guys. I’m weird when it comes to this because I completely understand my flaws and I understand the consequences to my actions but I do the wrong thing completely knowing that I'm screwing myself over in the end. I fall too quickly. When I like a guy, I really like him. I wanna text him constantly. I want to hang out, I want him to think about me all the time. I want him to lust over me and want me with every fibre of his being. But truth be told, I've never gotten that treatment ever. But who doesn't want to be lusted after? My issue is the fact that I give so much of myself to someone without expecting anything in return. This isn't fair me to at all. I put up with getting blown off and getting forgotten about because, I’d rather ignore the issue and just to say I'm talking to someone. It so sad and pathetic but, its how I am. I like to be liked.

Now I'm not saying that I've never been liked by guys, because I know that I have. I’m just a sucker for the idgaf attitude and the cool guys persona that when a good guy comes along, I friend zone him immediately. I don't wanna date a guy who reminds me of my brother. No thanks. I wanna date a guy who a little bit of a bad boy, you know the Matt Healy’s of the world. I wanna date a tough guy who could have anyone but chooses me over every other girl. I want a man who gets jealous when he sees me talking to another guy. I love being protected and lusted after. 

Lets take it back to high school. In high school the popular guys were the hockey players (I’m from Canada so this makes a lot of sense). Anyway, this means every girls dream is to date a hockey player. The hockey guys were a little greasy a little unkept but nothing we girls couldn't handle. As long as we got to wear their teams sweater at the end of the day we were happy as a clam. I really liked this guy who was in my science class (I think we had a couple of other classes together too but it was a while ago). He was blonde and had blue eyes, complete opposite from me. Anyway one day I built up the courage to message him on Facebook. And we actually got to know each other but, he was much more popular than me. I was so awkward and weird at the time. He had known his group of friends for a long time so he was settled in to his role, while I was new and was still figuring myself out. Anyway that didn’t pan out at all for little Kathryn. Looking back I just wanna tell my grade 9 self that I eventually get really hot and go on dates with guys much hotter than him; and that my awkward stage ends in grade 12. 

Now to end things off here is a blog post I wrote on an old Tumblr it related to this topic and I finally found it so I thought I'd include it. I'm also going to add some commentary so give it a quick read. Things really do change over time.

It was titled :Fucking Love (I feel as though the profanity made it more passionate)

Love…. the thing girls dream about. I like to think boys think about it as much as I do but I know that is simply not possible. Why? Well mainly because I feel like most of the time the ball is in their court (literally and figuratively am I right?). Girls are taught to sit and wait for their prince charming. But in all honestly is that completely incorrect. Because the opposite side of it claims that women have to be strong and get the guy they want. But, lets face it, this isn’t the movies. There is no script to follow here. This is the real fucking deal. 

Girls end up with broken hearts. And so do boys. I would know I’ve broken a heart. But, its not like I walked away from it feeling amazing. I cried right after saying that it was over. I remember looking at myself feeling insane regret. Like wtf, what did I just do. I just got a boyfriend and I end it. Wow Kathryn you’re a fucking genius. I’m not proud of doing what i did. I never want to hurt people at my expense. They don’t deserve that. But staying would have been worse. Playing the role as a girlfriend would have hurt him more, to at the end of it all figure out that it was all an act. Who would look like a bitch then? Still me but at least I had the decency to end it all early.

And then there is the other side. A whole other ball game (I’m using a lot of sports references it’s out of my character, must be late). The game where the guy is just an ass. Like they understand that they have the control and pick to use their power for evil. Like they just reject because they can. Like where the hell are the Leonardo DiCaprio’s? Or the perfect One Direction boys?(This was when 1D was my life!) Why the hell are girls trying to impress stupid idiots with way to much power. Like good fucking job you were born with good genes and now you look like a Hollister model.(Trust me when I say this none of my classmates looked like Hollister models so I really didn't know what I was saying.) But that doesn’t give you the right to be an ass. And they walk around as if they are some kind of Gods. Like could you get your heads out of each others asses please.(I can feel the anger coming from young Kathryn! YIKES!) 

Plus, there are beautiful girls at school. Like omg beautiful model girls at school. (Nope not really Kathryn). And really you’re going to go after the same girl that all the other stupid guys are going for. And we know why you’re going after her, she's going to put out. But really do you think that other girls won’t? Like we never joined a convent. We just liked to be talked to before we go down on you (Keep in mind at this point I hadn't had my first kiss yet. Kathryn don't get ahead of yourself girl). God, is it really that hard to take two seconds to relate to someone who isn’t popular. Like you’re going to sit there and act as if you don’t see us. The girls that I hang out with are perfect. They wear nice clothes, they take good care of themselves, they do their hair and make up. They are fucking gems to say the least. And these stupid kids walk around as if we are completely invisible. But, yet we continually think that they are attractive and perfect. But, who are we kidding we all know what kind of people they are. We all know they have problems but act as if they are perfect.

They cant say anything for us judging them. Because at the end of the day all they let us see is what i have been ranting on about. They only let you see the perfection, the nice clothes and the good hair. They are always having a good time. They are always getting away with shit they shouldn’t be and they are always at a party. They are always doing something that is cooler than what you’re doing. Because partying is the only way to have fun. And not remembering what you did last night is the only thing that makes your life better then mine. But, lets be honest here, who has it better. 

I think the main reason love doesn’t work is because we don’t know what a good quality guy is. We have movies and fairy tales to look at. But is it bad that our expectations are so high? Like does having standards (with in reason of course) make it harder for us to get guys? I don’t feel like it’s us, I feel like it’s everyone not knowing what they deserve. I feel like we need to give ourselves a break that we haven’t found the one yet. We need to just learn to be happy with having good friends in our lives. And the right one will come along. My Niall Horan will find me one day but until then I’ll stop blaming myself for not finding the right one. And wait until I do. Because life is crazy and so is love.